Tuesday, March 04, 2008
The Darkness In My Mind
A while back a family member of mine tried to kill themselves. I haven't really talked about it since it happened, but tonight I feel like I should. I've always been a very depressed person. I spent nights in my room crying myself to sleep for no reason that I understood. Those who are close to me can name at least one time that I've been so lost in the darkness that is my mind that I have threatened to kill myself. I've had friends that have stopped talking to me because I get so upset sometimes and I'e had friends that told me to "go ahead and do it, not one cares about you anyway!" The main thing that kept me from doing it was my mother. I love her so much that my heart aches when I think about how badly it would hurt her. The rest of my family never acured to me. At times I thought they would all be better off. It hit me that my sister care a few months back when she thought I had been kidnapped or something and she yelled at me for about an hour. But sitting in my bed, listening to my sister explain to me what had happened that horribly tragic day and begging me to never kill myself...I felt a pain that I never want to put on someone. Although I didn't cry that day. I think the tears were unable to release themselves from my eyes. I think my mind had not fully understood...or maybe I understood it all too well. I understood that even though this horrible thing happened, it had made me see how badly I need to take control of my life, and stop these horrible thoughts. And you know what? I haven't had a thought like that since!
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I'm glad you are thinking about the effects it would have on your whole family. I can't tell you how glad I am that you are beginning to understand the pain it would bring to all of us. None of us would be better off without you in our lives. Even though some of us don't see you that often, you are still a big part of our hearts and lives.
Someday I will have to explain to my children why their Granddad drowned. I still don't even understand why he did what he did--how do I explain it to them?
Yeah I know. You and that person we both love aren't my dad. But I loved him. And I love you. And my children know and love you both--adore you both. I don't know how I will explain the suicide of a man they don't remember let alone have to explain one of someone they know, love and remember.
I don't ever want to have to grieve another suicide. It doesn't just destroy the life of the person who dies. It destroys the lives of those they leave behind.
I'm not going to lie Mac, I've thought about killing myself. I've thought about killing myself since my dad died--the hurt has been that bad. There have been times Jeff didn't want to leave me alone at home because he was afraid of what I might do.
But I can't do that to my children. I can't do that to your brother. I can't do that to my mother or anyone else in my family. I won't be the reason for destruction--not if I can help it.
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