Awake

As darkness falls I lie in my bed silently waiting for the sweet gift of sleep. I toss and I turn, unable to find a position in which I can feel at ease. My mind races with thoughts of what I’ve done and what I should be doing in my poor excuse for a life. The constant flickering of the light outside my window reflects the shadows of my many books of which I so desperately cling. I close my eye, begging for sleep, but it’s hard for me to not check the time for every minute that passes to see how long I’ve been awake. Awake…a word that seems so harmless to most, but to me its one of many things I fear. To be awake is to see how worthless I am. To be awake I have to face my life and my flaws. In my sleep I can dream of being better. I can live the life I can be proud in. I don’t have to feel alone and lost in this world which moves so fast that my eyes begin to water with the spinning vortex that is my life. Down the drain flow my hopes and dreams. I would try to catch them, but what’s the point. It feels as if my hands are tied and bound to a heavy weight. I’m being pushed into the blackest ocean which represents the depression that surrounds my body. It’s hard to breath with my lungs full of water. To dream is to escape. To dream is to hide from it all. To dream is to be happy. Please let me dream and cease to be awake.