I’m scared. I’m so unsure what I’m supposed to be doing right now. People keep telling me that I’m young and there for I don’t need to worry about the rest of my life, but I can’t stop. If I’m so young, why do I feel like my time is running out? Why do I feel like if I don’t make a decision, I’m going to end up living a life I never wanted? I’m so worried that I’ll never get to do the things I always wanted to do. I’m scared I’ll never go to college, or become an actress or a writer. I’m scared I’ll never fall in love and get married. I’m scared I’ll never get to have the children I always wanted. I’m scared I’ll never make a difference. I’m scared I’m fading away.
I try to act like I’m fine. I try to act like I’m feeling better. But the truth is I go to bed most nights crying just to wake up the next day to do the same thing all over again. I’m hurting inside and no one can see. I feel so worthless. I feel like no one really needs me. I drown myself in my school work and my books just so I don’t have to think about how much my heart aches. I stay in my room all day silently hoping that God would show me a sign that I’m not just a waste of space. Although it’s hard to hear him talk to me with all the yelling from the hall.
I think I just need a friend. Someone to talk to; someone who cares. I feel like I never see my mother anymore and my siblings don’t have time. The only friends I had left either don’t understand or simply ignore me. I just feel so alone. I’ve written so much in the past few weeks, but most of it was just me rambling. I hadn’t actually cried full heartedly and understood the reason in a long time until now. It’s been all bottled up inside of me and now my shirt is wet and my cheeks are hot. It hurts but at the same time I needed it. I just wish this was the end of it.
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2 comments:
You are not alone. I have had the same fears. You DO have plenty of time. Don't worry about the love and marriage and kids stuff now Mac. That will come when the time is right. I didn't fall in love until your brother. He was my first love. And I was 26 years old. I thought it would never happen for me. I'd practically given up.
Focus on what you love. Get the school work done. Do what you need to do to get into college. Have you taken your ACT? Take little steps. Little steps add up to big ones and as long as you are taking steps down the right path towards a goal, that is what is important.
You can always call. Maybe we don't have time right then, but we can make time. Just know that you aren't alone and you aren't the first to go through this and won't be the last one either.
Hey - I remember feeling exactly that way and things do get better! Seriously if I had to give myself some advice when I was feeling like that back then, I would find a good, nearby place to volunteer. Like a pet rescue place, a church that gives out food once or twice a month, a thrift store that raises money for the poor or a soup kitchen. Yes there might be some dirty work involved but it will add value to your life that you can instantly feel. Good luck and sweet dreams!
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