Fading

I’m scared. I’m so unsure what I’m supposed to be doing right now. People keep telling me that I’m young and there for I don’t need to worry about the rest of my life, but I can’t stop. If I’m so young, why do I feel like my time is running out? Why do I feel like if I don’t make a decision, I’m going to end up living a life I never wanted? I’m so worried that I’ll never get to do the things I always wanted to do. I’m scared I’ll never go to college, or become an actress or a writer. I’m scared I’ll never fall in love and get married. I’m scared I’ll never get to have the children I always wanted. I’m scared I’ll never make a difference. I’m scared I’m fading away.

I try to act like I’m fine. I try to act like I’m feeling better. But the truth is I go to bed most nights crying just to wake up the next day to do the same thing all over again. I’m hurting inside and no one can see. I feel so worthless. I feel like no one really needs me. I drown myself in my school work and my books just so I don’t have to think about how much my heart aches. I stay in my room all day silently hoping that God would show me a sign that I’m not just a waste of space. Although it’s hard to hear him talk to me with all the yelling from the hall.

I think I just need a friend. Someone to talk to; someone who cares. I feel like I never see my mother anymore and my siblings don’t have time. The only friends I had left either don’t understand or simply ignore me. I just feel so alone. I’ve written so much in the past few weeks, but most of it was just me rambling. I hadn’t actually cried full heartedly and understood the reason in a long time until now. It’s been all bottled up inside of me and now my shirt is wet and my cheeks are hot. It hurts but at the same time I needed it. I just wish this was the end of it.